


how to let you go (when i can still see your ghost)

by elfiethewicked



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: A lot - Freeform, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Gen, I still am, M/M, So much angst, You Have Been Warned, also there is a reason this isn't tag as major character death, anyway to the fic, i broke my own heart writing this, it hurts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-22
Updated: 2018-07-04
Packaged: 2019-03-22 15:09:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 7,657
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13766751
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/elfiethewicked/pseuds/elfiethewicked
Summary: what happens if lotor never had showed up and saved the day? what if keith had smashed himself into the shield to save everyone?an explorations in some feelings





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> please enjoy all this pain

”Keith, can you hear me?” Shiro tried for the third time to reach Keith through the intercom.

“Shiro! Where are you? Is everything alright?” Shiro sighed in relief when the call finally went through.

“Not for long if we don’t stop Zarkon’s witch, she must be aboard that battle cruiser”

“I am way head of you, and I brought some back up!” Shiro smiled, of course, Keith would’ve known something was wrong, of course, he would be there, maybe with his help they could do this. Shiro knew full well that Voltron would never make it to that battle cruiser in time. Putting his faith in Keith he called Coran to tell him to get as far away from Naxzela as possible, and that quickly. They put the thrusters at full capacity and hoped that it would be enough.

“We’ll never penetrate that shield!” Shiro’s heart sank when he heard Matt’s voice.

“Maybe not with our weapons…”

There was a long pause and then Matt started yelling.

“Wait, Keith! What are you doing? Keith no!” Shiro didn’t have the time to think about what Keith might be doing; one minute, Matt was yelling, the next he heard a horrible explosion and saw the light from Naxzela fade.

“The shield is down!”

_Thank God!_

“Keith! How did you—” The realisation of what Keith had meant with “not with our weapons” and Matt’s screaming finally caught up with Shiro. “… Keith?” No response.

“Guys! On the left!” A small glimpse of hope in Shiro’s chest before he saw what Pidge meant. The shattered pieces of a Galra ship where spread near the broken battle cruiser.

“Keith…?” Lance voice broke through, trembeling. “Shiro…? Keith’s…” Lance didn’t finish his sentence which Shiro distantly thought was good. He didn’t think he could hear those words right now. Or ever.

He felt as if he had been swallowed by a black hole. Silence set over Voltron and the rebel ships. Keith was… gone. The person Shiro considered his closest family, the person Shiro considered his brother, gone.

 

Shiro was empty, empty of emotions, of thoughts, of will. He was just empty. He didn’t say a word as they split up in their lions and searched through the shattered pieces, and neither did anyone else. From time to time he heard someone softly crying and in the back of his mind he recognised it as Pidge. There was no sign of Keith what so ever. The only thing Shiro found was Keith’s Blade of Marmora mask and through the com radio in it he could hear Lance’s choked sobs and attempts to reach Keith.

“Keith? Keith! Do you copy? Please, Keith…please…please, no… no…” Shiro turned off the communication line but took the mask with him. Lance had cut off himself from the rest of the team, Shiro had no right to listen to what Lance didn’t want him to hear.

He knew from Keith, from the team and from his own knowledge of Keith that he had never given up on finding Shiro, that the conviction that he would see Shiro again had kept him going but Shiro didn’t even have that. Keith was gone, indisputably gone and Shiro wasn’t sure how he would move on from that.

“You are like a brother to me.” Keith had said that to what he thought had been Shiro but Shiro had never told Keith he felt the same way. He had never even explained to Keith that it wasn’t him he had talked to during the trails. What if Keith had thought Shiro really had left him there? There were so many things Shiro should’ve told Keith, maybe if he had… Maybe if he had told Keith how much he mattered, to everyone, how loved he was, maybe then Keith would have waited and found another way to penetrate the shield. Maybe he if he had known he wouldn’t have gone with the Marmoras in the first place. Maybe, maybe, maybe…

“Shiro…” Allura’s voice carefully whispered through the com radio. “Shiro, I’m so sorry but he isn’t out here, he is…” Her voice trailed off. “We need to get back to the Castle.” Shiro didn’t even bother arguing. He knew there was nothing left out here for him. The lions turned back to the castle and he could still here Pidge crying as silently as she could in her lion. In fact, the only person he couldn’t hear was Lance but Shiro guessed that it was because he still hadn’t turned his com radio on.

When they got back to the Castle he watched as the others exited the lions hugged each other and turned towards the black lion. They seemed to realise he wouldn’t come out as they soon left. Alone in the hanger Shiro did something he scarcely allowed himself to do; he cried. He wept and wept and wept until sobs turned to emotionless tears that trickled down his face. The kind of tears that were there while emotions weren’t. He had failed the person that mattered most to him, failed the one person he had sworn never to give up on. He didn’t feel like he could breathe.

There were steps coming from inside the lion and Shiro expected it to be Allura, telling him he needed to be with the team but instead it was Lance. Lance looking as if his world had ended; tired, red eyes, hunched posture and tear soaked cheeks. He wasn’t crying anymore and his eyes lacked depth; he looked as Shiro felt and for the first time Shiro realised that someone might experience this loss as intensely as him. He hadn’t known Keith meant that much to Lance. Rather than saying anything Lance sat down on the floor next to Shiro’s pilot chair. He sat there and stared of into the distance. After a while he cleared his throat and spoke with a broken voice.

“He is really gone, isn’t he?”

Shiro closed his eyes. It wasn’t a question Lance expected an answer to and Shiro couldn’t bear to give him one either way. He wasn’t ready to accept this. He wasn’t ready and he didn’t know if he would ever be. Lance seemed to understand and they sat there in silence and Shiro realised why Lance was there. Shiro was the person Keith had been closest to, Shiro was the closest thing Lance could get to Keith right now, and just as Shiro, he desperately wanted to cling to something that was _Keith_. No matter how small it was. Maybe just maybe Shiro felt a little better with Lance there too. Despite their differences Lance was the person Keith had been the closest to aside from Shiro.

Or maybe, just maybe it hadn’t to do with any of that. Maybe it just was easier to grieve around someone who felt just as lost.

 

Allura felt the guilt rip through her. She had known. She had known of Keith’s low self-worth. She had known since she and Keith took of together to see if Zarkon was tracking them. Keith had looked so surprised when she told him he was needed back then. Then when he had volunteered to infiltrate the galra base to finish what Thace had started she had realised he didn’t think it mattered if he came back or not. She had begged him to return to them but maybe she should’ve done more. She had known Keith distancing himself from the team wasn’t from lack of care or affection but from his own conviction that he didn’t mattered as much as the rest of them. Not to them, not for the fight, not for anyone. She had heard he had lost one of his comrade to an explosion and she had tried to approach him to comfort him and as the growing distance between him and the team worried her she had tried to remind him that he mattered. Not only as a solider or a paladin of Voltron but as Keith. As their Keith.

When he wasn’t there when Voltron needed him and Shiro took over the Black Lion her worst fear was confirmed: Keith didn’t think he had a place with them anymore and he was looking for not only a way to fight this war without being a paladin of Voltron, but he also looked for a way to “get out of the way” for the rest of the team. Keith had never wanted to be the Black Paladin and it had been obvious to everyone that he thought Shiro would be a better leader then him. Allura had known all of this but she hadn’t told the rest of the team about it, hadn’t told Shiro about it, or confronted Keith. She had always thought there would be time, time for later. She should’ve realised, she should’ve known, that for Keith there wouldn’t be a later. Not with how little he valued his own life.  She had known, and she hadn’t been able to stop Keith from sacrificing himself. She hadn’t been able to stop him and in the end that’s what broke her.

 

Hunk stills set out a plate too many when setting the table, he still cooked just a bit too much food, he still stared at the empty seat at the table; he still couldn’t grasp that Keith wasn’t around anymore. He should be used to it really; Keith hadn’t been around for some time but this time it was different. It was as if his brain tried to fill in the gap, or keep him in denial. He didn’t want to believe Keith was gone, that he was gone so Hunk, and the rest of the team could be there. He wished he could’ve done more for Keith, that he had said something to him. He didn’t know how he could handle this, still he thought he was the one to have known Keith the least and that because of that he should stay strong for the rest of the team. Pidge had glued herself at Matt’s side as if she was afraid to lose him too, or maybe because he was family, and it is always easier to grieve around family; Allura constantly looked as if she had been punched in the gut and Hunk guessed she thought she had fail Keith as a leader; then there was Shiro, who Hunk knew would never really get back to himself; and Lance. Lance. Hunk had never seen Lance so broken. It wasn’t like he cried or had meltdowns, he was just gone. No emotion, no words, just the kind of silence that is deafening. Not even when he missed his family the most he had been this way and Hunk thought it was because Lance has never given up hope about seeing his family again, there was no seeing Keith again. It was also because Hunk knew Lance blamed himself for Keith’s death, he knew Lance had blamed himself for Keith leaving and that he thought that if Keith had stayed, if he had stopped Keith from leaving, he would still be alive. Hunk didn’t know how to tell Lance that it wasn’t his fault.

 

When it all came crashing down one day after lunch as she walked past the training room only to remember that Keith would never be there again, Pidge felt like she couldn’t breathe, like she never would be able to again. Pidge had known that the odds that they all would make it out of this alive were slim to none, and she had also known that that knowledge wasn’t something someone as young as her should have, but she had thought that they would have more time, more chances, more moments. She had also thought that Keith, out of all people, would survive. He was so daring, so vibrant, so there, so _alive_. He had been reckless, yes, but he had always made it back alive and Pidge thought now that they should’ve known that one day he wouldn’t.

She knew that what she and Keith had didn’t come close to what Shiro and Keith had but she had still considered Keith her family, still did. She knew that family and friendship was something that even death couldn’t stop. That didn’t mean it didn’t hurt, in fact, she thought, that it made it hurt even more. To love someone that wasn’t there anymore. That’s what hurt the worst. Grief, she thought, was just love. All the love you carry, all the love you have left without a focal point, all the love you want to give but cannot. That’s the worst kind of grief, the worst kind of love, the worst kind of feeling. She had tried to stay close to Matt, to give love before it was too late, but he kept his distance and all that grief turned to misplaced anger in her as she decided to confront Matt.

 

Matt tried to keep his distance from the team, afraid of what they might see if he let them come to close. Would they see all the guilt, all the shame, would they see how he hadn’t tried hard enough to stop Keith, how he hadn’t done enough and now Keith was gone? Pidge was hard to be around, she looked so sad, so broken, and Matt knew she had lost someone who was family. He couldn’t stand to be around her for long as a voice in the back of his mind, that grew increasingly, told him that it was because of his lack in action that had given her this grief.

Still he could be around Pidge, could look her in the eyes, knowing he wouldn’t let her lose him too but Shiro, oh Shiro, Matt couldn’t stand to be in the same room as him. The guilt he felt was like the world on his chest, unwavering and steady, slowly crushing his lungs. He wasn’t sure if he could be a represent for the Rebels anymore, how could he talk about saving the universe with Shiro, knowing what getting so far had cost him.

Matt could keep his distance form Pidge for maybe a week before she came storming in his room and one look at her told Matt that this was a conversation they needed to have if they didn’t want to lose each other. They talk the entire afternoon and at the end Matt felt like he might not lose her at least.

 

Weeks past and weeks turned to months and Voltron started doing missions again, but they never felt the same. There was a seriousness to them that hadn’t been there before, a resigned fear, a steady knowledge that they wouldn’t all get out of this alive, that they already hadn’t. Sure, they had known before but now it was impossible to deny it. They weren’t the blade of Marmora, they weren’t used to lose one of their own and when they did, well, it broke them.  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait but this fic was harder to write than expected after my dad's death.  
> I hope you'll enjoy reading all this pain, I enjoyed writing it :)

Shiro thought that there were moments that words couldn’t reach, there were situations and happenings that there were no words for, no words to hurt, no words to heal, no words at all. It was suffering of the worst kind, the kind you couldn’t even name, it was all too terrible to speak of. Because how did you mention it, how do you put those words into your mouth, how do you even begin to get over something like this? He thought of Lance, who he had found clutching Keith’s jacket and sobbing like there was no end to the sorrow, and he knew that there wasn’t. This wasn’t the kind of sorrow that passed, or that you forgot. How did you learn to live with the unimaginable?

He spent hours in the hangar, he walked alone through the hall, but it was all so wrong. Keith hadn’t been around for quite some time but his presence lingered in every corner. Without him, without Keith, Shiro felt small and quiet. He looked like a mess, he knew that, with dishevelled hair, tired eyes and clothes that were slept in. He spent a lot of time in Black who wrapped him in comfort and underlying pity and he thought of Keith when he was younger, about how Shiro had said and known that one day that little kid would grow up to be something big, someone important. He had never imagined that one day that would be his demise. He had thought about how he would fall apart with pride, now he just fell apart. He wanted to stay there, curled up in Black forever and just forget the world around him but he couldn’t do that. Instead he took the others to train every day, there was still a war to be won and he stayed when all of the others slowly came undone.

Even Red grieved. Lance said she had gone quiet, and she was slower than usual, more subdued. It was clear that even though Lance piloted her, it was Keith who had been her paladin. It had even taken a long time before she let anyone in her, he had witnessed a crying Lance begging her to let him, begging her not to make him lose that part of Keith too. Now she had, he knew Lance spent more time in Red than anywhere else, he even slept there and he didn’t show up to train with the others. Shiro knew he had to talk to him, he knew it had to be he who talked to Lance. He found Lance in the hangar as usual, exiting red with bloodshot eyes and hunched shoulder. He barely glanced up at Shiro as he walked past and Shiro blurted out an “I’m sorry”. Lance stopped and turned around. Shiro took one look at him and words started to spill out.

“If I could spare his life, if I could trade his life for mine, he would be here now. He would be here now and maybe than you all could move on. I disappeared and you went on with your life, with Voltron, even Keith did, but now we are all in a standstill, we are all stuck in limbo. And if I just, I could just- “ He swallowed. “-If I could just go back in time and listen to you when you said we should leave Naxzela maybe none of this wouldn’t have happened. I don’t understand or know all the challenges we will be facing now, how we will move on, if we ever can, or how to be able to function again. There is no replacing what we’ve lost and we all need time, but if you could, try to at least join us for dinner, try to sleep in your room. I won’t ask you to train with us if you are not ready for that but please don’t make us lose you too.” Lance still didn’t say anything and Shiro faltered.

“Lance do you want to be alone? Red’s quiet alone.”

When Lance still didn’t reply Shiro started to leave. He supposed that Lance did the same as Shiro wanted to do, to push it all away, push away what you could never understand, push away the unimaginable. To push it away and at the same time just swim down in it and drown. Just when Shiro walked past Lance, Lance put up a hand on Shiro’s shoulder.

“It is not your fault. He was like a brother to you, and I'm sorry that you lost him, at least I know my siblings are still alive, I'm sorry Shiro - you were the only one who had your family with you here from the start and now you've lost it more than anyone else of us have.”  
  
  
"And you were in love with him."  
  
“Yes."   
  
"I'm sorry you never got to tell him."   
  
"Me too, I guess it's just one of those things you never know will be too late until they are."

“I think he knew” and after a brief pause Shiro continued with “I think he loved you too”.

Shiro looked at Red and thought that no matter how different their love for Keith had been, they still shared the same scars

 

 

It started slow; Pidge no longer cried herself to sleep; Matt stopped avoiding the team, Allura worked up the courage to look them all in the eye; Hunk stopped putting out an extra platter of food without even having to think about it; Shiro started spending time in the training hall again, without seeing Keith’s shadow in every corner. Even Lance seemed better, he smiled more, and sometimes it even reached his eyes. Still Keith presence lingered with its absence. It would be easier to let him go, if they would stop letting him be the elephant in the room, if they would talk about him, bring his memory out of the shadows but that was difficult. Allura didn’t know if she had the right to do that, if she had the right to decide that it was time to move on in their grieving, time to let Keith go, time to let him and his memory back into their lives. She hadn’t been as close to Keith as Shiro, sure he had been family to her, he really had been, but not in the same way he had been to Shiro. She hadn’t loved him as Lance had. She hadn’t lost all that they had. So instead of bringing Keith up she stayed silent while the quilt and sorrow ate at her. There were a million of moments when either of them could’ve brought him up, and despite that no on ever did, his name hung in the air those moments.

 

Lance never really slept. He rested for a while, short hours at the time. He remembered when his Grandma has died and he would wake up thinking she was still alive. He didn’t think he could survive that this time, he didn’t think he could handle that kind of hope right now. It would only crush what little of himself he had left. So, he didn’t sleep, he hardly ate or spoke. Sometimes he slipped up and made a joke and instantly felt guilty. How could he joke when Keith was gone? When Keith, _Keith_ , the most vibrant and daring person Lance had ever known, the most alive person Lance had ever known, was gone. He tried a little harder for the rest of the team after what Shiro had said. He joined them on missions, things slowly went back to normal and Lance wanted to scream. How could they move on? How dare they move on? As if Keith was just a past chapter in their lives, one you could after a while flip past and forget about. It wasn’t that the others didn’t grieve. They did and Lance knew that but no one seemed to be as ripped apart by this as him. As him and Shiro.

Shiro’s words of “I think he loved you too” ripped Lance apart. Had Keith really known? Had he really loved Lance too? Had they had a shot at a relationship together? Had they had, had they had, had they had… All in past tense. Why did everything have to be in past tense, why couldn’t he be allowed a relationship with Keith? The only person he had ever really loved romantically? Why did Lance have to lose everyone? If only he could go back in time and tell Keith, maybe Keith would’ve stayed then. Maybe he wouldn’t have left if he knew, really _knew_ , Lance felt the same. Oh, why had he left if Shiro was right and he had known that Lance was in love with him. Why would he turn his back on the relationship they could’ve had? Lance couldn’t figure it out. If he had known Keith was in love with him. If he had known well he would’ve done anything to come back to Keith, to share a life, a future, a relationship, a something with Keith. Maybe Lance had just not been enough. Maybe he had just not been enough to matter in the grand scheme of things to Keith.

 

 

Lance said curled up in Red when he heard the guns on the ship fire off, he perked up in his seat on the floor. Where they being attacked? He opened the com centre in Red when her engine suddenly roared to life and she started trashing around the hangar. She broke out of the shaft ad flew right out in space with a confused and scared Lance inside her.

The Galra ship was approaching with terrifying speed and showed no signs to slow down no matter how much they shot at it. The team was tense, this was the first attack directly on the castle since Keith’s death and his absence and quick thinking was hanging clear in the air. Shiro choked on air a few times when he was giving order but no one mentioned it. The ship easily avoided all shots and Shiro knew they needed Lance, they needed their sharpshooter. He motioned for Allura to call for him.

“Lance, Lance, we need you in the castles control room, we are being attacked!” There was no response and when she tried again they saw Red flying out between the castle and the ship. They watched how Red approached the ship and then all of a sudden turned around and started attacking the castle.

“Lance! What are you doing?”

“I’m not doing anything, it’s Red, she has gone crazy!”

“Try to get control of her!”

“I can’t, she won’t let me!”

“Keep her distracted Lance, and I’ll fire the big canon on the ship”

“Okay!”

And while the rest of the team attacked the ship in vain to distract Red, Allura prepared the big canon. It only took one blast from it to tear the ship to pieces and when it had they watched how Red dove forward into the wreaks of it.

“Why would Red turn on us, Allura?”

“I don’t know Shiro, maybe she has taken a hit we haven’t noticed and we- “ She stopped and looked out to Red, “- what on Altea is going on?” ´

Red had opened her mouth and was taking in pieces of the ship into it.

They heard Lance make a sound between a sob and a scream and Shiro immediately ordered the others to their lions.

“No, no, no it’s fine,” Lance sobbed out. “I’m fine, I’m fine, it’s- it’s- it’s Keith.”

There was a long pause and then Pidge’s voice choked by hope whispered. “Keith?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading, please leave a comment bellow.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> hoping when there is no hope is the kind of thing that kills you

The wait for Lance and Red to get back to the hanger was short, but it was the hardest thing Shiro had ever had to wait for. His heart was in his throat beating fast, and with every beat he whispered a prayer to whoever might listen.

_Please, please, please_

He didn’t know what he prayed for, because he wouldn’t, and couldn’t, let himself hope. Not hope for anything, because in the end hope is what crushed you. Hope was the very worst part. Hoping when there is no hope is the kind of thing that kills you.

He had wanted to take Black and fly out there to meet Lance but Allura reminded him he wouldn’t know anything faster that way, in fact in might slow things down. So, the team all stood there frozen waiting for Lance in the hanger, and sure enough, soon Red flew in and landed. Shiro had started running towards Red before she even hit the ground. As soon as she has stilled the hatch opened up and before Shiro could run up it, Lance appeared in the opening. He stood with a crooked back, his face hanging, and in his arms, he cradled a broken, completely still body. There was no mistaken who that body belonged to, even without Lance’s whispered Keith, Shiro would have recognised him in a split second. But the body didn’t move and neither did Lance and Shiro felt all life drain from his body. He had let himself hope after all. But then the scene unfroze, Lance took a few staggering steps forward and fell to his knees. But his was voice clear, though shaky, when he looked at Shiro and said three words. Just three words but they changed Shiro forever.

_He is breathing_

Shiro hurried up and hunched down in front of Lance and Keith, yes it was Keith, but he was badly injured. He had horrifying scars in his face and on the parts of his body where the blast from the canon had burned away the fabric of his clothes. He was bleeding all over Lance, but _he was breathing._

Shiro choked out a sob and stroked away some Keith’s hair from his face. He was alive. He was alive. He was _alive_. But he wouldn’t be for long unless they did something. Shiro turned around.

“Allura?”

But Allura wasn’t there, in fact the only one left there was Pidge.

“They went to fix a healing pod,” Pidge explained. “Can- Can I- Can I- Can I see him? I just have to see him. _Please._ ”

Shiro nodded and Pidge walked up to them. She scooted in next to Shiro and looked at Keith. Her hands hovered over his chest and his face before she settled on laying her hand on his cheek and her head on his shoulder.

“Please survive, I can’t handle losing you again.”

Shiro laid an arm around her shoulders, and she turned around and buried herself in his chest and cried. Out of grief, or fear, or hope, Shiro didn’t know. They sat like that for a while, Lance cradling Keith, Shiro holding Pidge, as she desperately clung to Keith’s scarred hand. As Keith was bleeding heavily from his arm, his legs, his back, and his head Shiro didn’t dare to move him even one inch. But when Coran and Hunk came back Shiro knew they had to and it scared him. As Lance looked incapable of even moving, let alone stand up, Shiro slid his arms under Keith and lifted him up as carefully as possible. Pidge stayed behind with Lance, who still didn’t move or speak.

 

Pidge was scared, she was really, really scared. She had thought they, that she, had gone through the worst, but she now realised that what they had gone through before was nothing compared to this. Compared to knowing that they almost had had Keith back and that if they now didn’t, if he died now it would be on them. They were the one to attack the galra ship, to shoot it with the big canon. They were the ones who had injured Keith that badly, and if it didn’t survive it, that was on them.

She didn’t know what was worse, the guilt or the hope. What she did know was that it was worse than grieving. When they had thought they knew Keith was dead, sure there had been guilt, a lot of it, but that had been the kind of not trying hard enough to keep harm away, not the kind of actively causing harm.

It had crushed her when she thought Keith was dead, it had crushed her innocence in one hard blow. But this time, this _hope,_ it was worse. It was hoping, praying, believing in something you didn’t yet have. It was like selling the bearskin before you had killed the bear, like saying yes before you knew the answer, it was heartbreak in the waiting. If Keith didn’t survive this it would kill her, this hope would kill her, because she _could_ have him back, and if she didn’t, she would lose him all over again and she didn’t think she could survive that.

 

 

Hunk saw Keith’s broken body and wished he hadn’t. How would he be able to remember Keith as alive when he had seen him like this. Seen him looking more like death than anything else Hunk had seen. But maybe, maybe Keith could survive this, a small part of Hunk’s mind whispered. Another part reminded him that even if Keith survived this, and it was a big if, he wouldn’t be the same Keith that had left them. He had been gone for what? Seven months? And judging by the scars all over his body, that could in no way have been caused by their canon, it hadn’t been easy seven months.

He couldn’t stay with Keith, it filled him with shame, but he couldn’t stay and watch them count up all the injuries, all the injuries _they_ had caused him. Instead he went to the training hall and sat down on the floor. He could almost see Keith fight his opponent with a grace that made it resemble a dance. See him take down droid after droid, see his smug smile when he won another level. But then the images changed and the Keith in his mind was lying there bloody and broken on the floor, just as Keith was now.

 

 

Allura helped Coran examine Keith while Shiro stood a little farther away to make sure he didn’t get in the way. This was bad, Allura knew that. You weren’t supposed to survive a blast from their canon but more than that, looking at Keith, it was a miracle he was still breathing. All of his ribs were broken, he had a fracture at the back of his skull, he was bleeding copious amounts and they couldn’t figure out from where all the blood came from. They carefully took out all the rubble from the ship that had pierced Keith in the blast and his clothes off to examine his body better and Allura’s heart sank. He had so many scars, so, so many scars. She knew the look of a body that had been tortured and this was one. Coran pointed to a wound at Keith’s right thigh and she closed her eyes in defeat. The wound was almost black and surrounded by thin lines of black like spiderwebs over Keith’s leg. Blood poison.

“Shiro?”

He looked up. “Yeah?” His voice was desperate and horrified and Allura wished she had good news, or at least better news.

“We need to take his leg.”

“What?”

“We need to- we need to amputee his leg. He has blood poisoning; if we don’t do anything he’ll die. I’m sorry.”

“You can’t- Can’t the healing pod fix that?”

“It’ll only heal the wound, trapping the poison inside. This is our only choice. I am so sorry Shiro.”

“Okay. Okay, do it”

Allura swallowed and sent Shiro an apologetic look as he left the room to give them space.

 

 

 

Shiro decided he should be the one to tell the rest of the team about Keith’s leg. Hunk and Pidge were the easiest. He found them sitting together in the training room, leaning on each other, with tear stained cheeks and bloodshot eyes. Shiro felt guilty that he had to bring them such sad news. However, to Shiro’s surprise, after the first moment of chock and pain Pidge’s face turned determined.

“Don’t worry Shiro, we’ll build him a new leg, Hunk and I. We’ll make him one like your arm, but with Altean technology, so it will be even better than yours. He won’t be permanently broken, he will be- he will be…” here Pidge trailed off.

Hunk stepped in. “He won’t be the same Keith, but he will survive, and he will learn to use his leg as you did our arm, and he will be a whole person. No matter if we can make him a new leg or not, and we will be able to, or how many limbs he loses, he will still be a whole person. A whole Keith, an alive Keith. And aren’t that really what matters most?”

“He will be fine, Shiro, he will be fine, because he will be alive, and he will be with family.” Pidge continued. She stood up and hugged him and Hunk joined.

“Don’t worry Shiro, you’ll get your little brother back.”

 

 

Lance had retreated to his room but that was also all he had done. He hadn’t taken a shower or even changed out of his bloody clothes. He had Keith’s blood all over his hands, he would never be able to wash a way that picture in his mind. Shiro had told him about Keith’s leg, and Lance had thought of Keith in the training room with his quick steps and footwork Lance could never copy. He had thought of Keith running the track, of him jumping, sprinting, and climbing during missions and thought of how he might never be able to do that again.

He stayed in there, staring at Keith’s blood on his hand until Hunk came in with a soft expression. He helped Lance out of his clothes, led him to the shower, and told Lance that the line was drawn at him helping Lance shower. Lance choked out a laugh and stepped in.

He felt numb and cold, despite the hot water. He had closed his eyes before stepping into the shower and was determined to keep them closed. If he had to see Keith’s blood trickle down his body he might go insane. He stood there until the heater ran out of warm water, then he stepped out, wrapped the bathing robe Hunk handed him and sat down on the bed. Hunk sat down next to him and wrapped an arm around his shoulder and pulled Lance’s head onto his shoulder and finally, _finally_ , Lance could cry.

 

 

Once Allura and Coran had gotten Keith into the healing pod Coran finally let go of his guard and let his tears flow. He had watched the paladins of old die, he was not prepared to watch it happen to these ones too. Allura hugged him hard and they clung to each other as they fell apart. Once they let go and Coran went to tell the team Allura turned to Keith again. She pressed her hand against the glass of the pod and whispered an old Altean prayer for him to survive.

To her surprise the only ones who came immediately to see Keith was Pidge and Hunk. When Allura opened her mouth to ask Hunk shook his head.

“They need time, seeing Keith like this… They just need some time.”

Allura nodded and she, Hunk, Pidge and Coran watched the unconscious Keith in the pod hoping and praying that he would wake up.

 

 

It was the middle of the night when Shiro finally visited Keith. He sat down cross-legged in front of the pod. He sat there and remembered Keith’s final words and wondering what his final thought had been. He remembered Keith laughing in the common room, he remembered Keith looking at Lance with an expression Shiro would’ve killed to have a photo of, he remembered Keith, he remembered…

He remembered Keith at twelve, when they first had met – a few years before Keith would start at the Garrison – he remembered Keith fighting, shutting in, acting out, but more than that he remember that time when he had crashed with a ship and been injured when he was training to be a pilot himself, and how Keith had sat by his side and held his hand when no one else was there to do it. Shiro had too grown up in foster homes and he knew how bad that could go. Unbeknownst to Keith Shiro had tried to get custody of him when Shiro had turned eighteen but been deemed not appropriate for that, as he was so young and had no bloods band with Keith. So, when he had failed to get Keith out of the foster homes, he made sure Keith had someone to go to when things got to bad. And when Keith reached the age to apply to the Garrison, Shiro had helped him apply, put in a good word for him when it came to the scholarship and been his mentor.

Many saw Shiro as some kind of saint for taking the broken, angry kid under his wing. For “saving” him. But really, in many ways it was Keith who saved him. He was there for him when he crashed, but more than so he brought in that sense of family back into Shiro’s life that he hadn’t felt since his parents had died. He brought back something in Shiro that had reminded him that he didn’t have to go through life alone. He had given Shiro a brother. He had given Shiro a family. Someone to talk to, someone to tease, someone to argue with, someone to love. He had given Shiro a home. It had killed him when he lost Keith, but losing him like this, losing him when the heart that had given in under Shiro had started hoping again… well it would be worse.

Shiro remembered the car crash that had killed his parents, he remembered sitting in a waiting room in the hospital with the social services and hearing two nurses talking about him nearby. He had heard one of them say “hope is the worst part; the hope will always be the worst part”. He hadn’t understood what that meant then; he hadn’t understood what it meant to truly hope, to give your whole body and soul into a wish, but he did now. When there was no hope, there was at least an end to a tunnel, there was something to get over. You couldn’t begin to get over something when your whole being still hoped for it not to happen.

Shiro shook his head, there was no point in thinking about how much it would hurt if Keith now did die, it wouldn’t make it hurt any less. Instead he sat there and figured maybe he could keep Keith company for a while, or that Keith could keep him company, which ever made himself sound less insane. He just wanted to be with his little brother for a little while longer.

 

 

Lance didn’t come until three days later, when the rest was out on a diplomatic dinner and Lance had stayed behind in case Keith should wake up. Lance didn’t think he would, no one really did, Keith’s injuries were far from healed, but no one had argued when Lance had given that reason to stay behind.  He stood there in the door opening to the room with healing pods and stared at Keith whose right leg was cut off at the thigh. After a deep breath he stepped into the room and walked over to Keith.

“I don’t know, I don’t know how to talk to you. I know you are supposed to talk to comatose people, I did that with my great aunt, but I don’t know… I don’t know where to begin. “

“I loved you? Okay? I loved you, and Shiro says you knew, but I wanted to say it myself too. I just, I loved you, I _love_ you, and then I lost you and now I’m losing you all over again. I don’t know how I survived that. How I survived you dying, but I did, and I do, and I will, but please don’t make me. Please don’t make me live without you. Come back to me. Don’t die on me. Not like this, preferably not ever but like, not like this. You are supposed to have a long life, a long happy life with racing planes, asteroid fields, adventures and bruises. You were supposed to have a long life, with soft kisses goodnight, hands holding your calloused ones and fingers running through that stupid mullet of yours. You were supposed to have it all, you were the one who was supposed to get through this all standing tall, if so only because it was your turn. Everyone else here had their happy time, everyone else had a family before. And I know that’s not how life works but maybe you had earned your happy ending. I mean, shit, you were a defender of the universe, of course you earned that. But also because you were this sweet soft boy, with bright smiles, confused eyebrows, gloved hands and a heart that loved so deeply even if you refused to let it show. You deserved everything, _everything_ , and anything but this. Please come back to me”

Lance took a deep breath, “okay, sorry for the outburst, you really don’t need that pressure now, I’ll try to be more cheerful. How about I tell you of my family? I never did that right? Oh, they would have loved you – “

Lance sat there and talked for hours until his voice was almost gone, and sleepless nights were getting to him. He fell asleep in front of the healing pod until Shiro came and woke him up and ordered him to the bedroom and for once Lance obeyed.

 

 

Keith was dreaming, dreaming of home. He dreamed of long corridors and blue lights; he dreamed of six different voices speaking over each other; he dreamed of blue eyes and brilliant smiles; he dreamed of supporting hands and the words “I will never give up on you”. He saw a bright light in front of him and the heard a storm in his body, yet his heart was easy. They would make it, they would survive, they would be safe. He was home once more and he could feel the warm light getting closer. He closed his eyes – or had the been closed all along? – and the light faded in front of him, and everything turned to black.

He felt a pair of shaking hands grab his shoulders and saw a steady smile.

 

“Hello there, brother”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i hope you enjoyed all this pain, i sure did >:D
> 
> should i make a epilogue? i'm not sure i really like the ending but if people are interested in a epilogue i might write one? what do you think?

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading <3   
> please leave a comment if you liked it


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